A Broken Heart

As hard as it is to accept we live in a cruel world.  Definitely not what God
intended but never the less it has become such.  Being a Christian does not
make us immune to the cruelties of the world but it does give us a way out.
A way to find peace and healing of our wounded spirits.  A way to find strength
when it appears that there is no way or where to find it.  

Standing on the word of God is our first way out.  Knowing that He wants to be 
our Shield, our Protector, our Comforter, our Healer, our Salvation, He is our
everything!  He knows that troubles will come our way,  however He has in fact
already provided our way out before we need it.  When we know the what the
word of God says and His promises we always know we have a way out!  Prayer
and praise and the knowledge of His word keep us connected to God and strong 
in His ways so we can receive from Him.

I lost my son in death almost 8 years ago.  I was angry, I was hurt, I was crushed!
I truly thought I knew what a broken heart  was before he died...  I didn't know at
all!  Sadly I can tell you now that I know what a "broken heart" is now!  At the
very first I denied it was real.  How could it be so?  I had raised my children to
believe and trust in God and I trusted God with them.  Then I was angry...  My
very question being, "How could God let this happen?  I refused to pray,  I also
refused to acknowledge that God had His reasons for allowing my son's death to
happen.  I would like to tell you that at that point I had some kind of divine and
spiritual revelation. But I did not!   For years following my heart ached, I cried
often and I felt like the very breath was pushed out of me.  Nothing made any kind
of sense to me.  The depression and the oppression appeared to be taking hold of
me.  I was also taking care of my elderly and medically disabled parents during
this time.  Though I loved them both so much,  I was just performing the duties 
that were expected of me.  Sadly I became so withdrawn from life that I had to 
place my parents in a nursing home so that I could recuperate.   The pain in my
heart and spirit was so bad that I literally moved from the State I lived in to another
hoping I could lose the memories.  Because everywhere I went, everything I did,
reminded me of my son and that he was gone.  The move did not help because you
can't erase memories of your children.  They are a part of you.  Their ups and
downs.  The good times and the bad times.  Though when my boy died he was a
grown man I could vividly remember how it felt to hold him when he was an infant.
My arms ached for him.  I remembered how he had been treated badly by a coach
for little league baseball and how I went to his defense.  Then I remembered that
as he grew into an adult how hard it was to let go of him and let him become a man.
I remembered that as an adult he developed a bone condition in his feet and legs 
and was in such pain that by evening he would have to crawl instead of walk.  He
had surgeries that didn't help... but he kept going!  How he never once blamed God!
I remembered sitting in a movie theater with him as we watched, "The Passions of
Christ" and how the tears ran down his face at the thought of the pain Jesus 
endured.  He loved God!

Then the revelation came!  No I do not know why God took my young son, but I do
know he is with God.  I know he is no longer in pain.  I also know that God knew I
would be hurt and angry.  How I know this is that when Jesus was placed upon the
cross...  God was hurt and angry!  The scriptures say that He had to turn His face 
away when Jesus called out from the cross and that when Jesus died the sky 
darkened because God was angry!  So my feelings were not unique.    And like our
children, God must let us go and grow up and make mistakes along the way.  
However He is waiting for us to cry out for Him when we are stumbling around in
the dark and need His help!  Though I did not realize it God was holding me in the
palm of His hand when I felt so far away!

Healing of my broken heart  is daily!  Daily trusting, daily prayer and learning to
accept God's will for my life.  I have realized that I will always miss my son but one
day we will be reunited.  My spirit is now always trying to work in sync with God!
No matter what, "ALWAYS RELY ON GOD!"  if He brings you to it, He'll see you
through it!

I Pray that God Blesses You All!